We Need To Stop Making Ourselves Small
Bear with me on this one, because this week’s article is a bit different than usual.
(Less advice, more rambling stream of consciousness about a thought I CANNOT get out of my head)
I’ve recently been on an absolute TEAR thinking about the role that the patriarchy plays in female empowerment and business growth,
And honestly, this email is just the tip of the iceberg of my COMPLEX FEELINGS ABOUT IT.
So, if you are like me and have been struggling with feeling small lately…
Strap in for this one. I promise it is gunna be a good one.
Let’s go to the very beginning
So Claire, what spurred you down this path of reflection and feminine rage, you ask?
(Plz allow me to catch you up)
Recently, I was deep diving Instagram when I came across a video from the Financial Feminist podcast that broke my brain.
(Tori Dunlap, the host of said podcast, also has a book with the same title. If you have not consumed any of her content yet, I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend it. She is the only writer I have ever come across who speaks so accurately about the experience of being a woman in the modern era.)
DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND FOLLOW HER ON IG RIGHT NOW
Anyways, back to the point of this article…
I watched a podcast clip that changed my life
As I was scrolling Tori’s account, absorbing her advice and wonderful humor, a clip from one of her podcasts hit me like a brick wall.
(This is the link to said video, you kinda need to watch it to the rest of this email to make sense lol sorry)
For those of you who opt not to watch the video, here is a brief summary of the key hit-home points:
Over the past 20–40 years, diet culture has been directly targeting women to encourage us to be smaller
This messaging has subliminally transferred over to other aspects of our lives, including our careers and our sense of self-worth
Because of this, women actively try to take up less space, are less likely to speak up, and don’t ask for what we deserve
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
I’ve been a woman for 28 years now, and I have to say, when I heard this spoken out loud, I have never felt so heard in my entire life.
Like many other women,
The propaganda of the “importance of having a small and delicate body” has been incredibly prevalent my entire life.
(Despite the fact that, yenno, I was also always encouraged to play sports, eat regular meals, and workout regularly, which goes directly against that narrative but yet also is still somehow another reason why people can judge my body, but OK, sure why not I guess)
But, until watching this video, I had not realized how much of that messaging had snuck its way into other areas of my life — and straight up, it scared the shit out of me.
Then, the big feelings started to come
After watching that clip, it was like I was sucked into a vision vortex from That’s So Raven, watching a depressing-ass montage of all the times I had made myself small because I thought I had to.
In an instant, it was like I was watching my life through someone else’s, watching myself my choice after choice that made things easier for others, but harder for me:
I saw the breakfasts I used to skip in junior high because I felt like I had to look a certain way to be considered attractive
I saw myself hiding in my room, doing “flat stomach, fat ass” workouts late at night, long after my family had gone to sleep so no one would know
I saw every time I went against my gut and trusted someone else’s plan so I wouldn’t be “pushy or difficult,” even though this meant that everything blew up in my face later
I saw the time I held my tongue in front of a surgeon who had contaminated the sterile field, because I was new and I didn’t want to “be a bother”
I saw the numerous times I have asked men questions I already knew the answer to, just to give them an opening to contribute to the conversation
I saw myself adding, “but if not, no worries!” to a countless number of my professional emails, even though I had many worries and deserved a damn direct answer
And after, I just sat there, realizing that I had just had one of the life-changing epiphanies, but also realizing that I didn’t really know how to move forward.
I don’t have a clean and easy ending to this one
To be completely honest, writing this out now has been incredibly emotional and harrowing.
Unfortunately, there is no nice and easy way to wrap up this email with a CTA question or “simple trick” to tackle this problem.
Instead, the only thing I have to offer is validation and recognition.
As a woman who is actively going through the growing pains of unlearning the patriarchal teachings that society has shoved down my throat from the moment I was born,
I know how shit it is to feel small. And I also know how being anything else can be excruciating.
So, instead of some key takeaway points,
I want to end this one with some words of affirmation and love to my fellow women who, every single day, choose not to make themselves small.
We do not need to be small to be loveable. We do not need to change ourselves to be palatable.
We do not need to shrink our bodies, our emotions, our opinions, or our values to fit in any box.
Strong, capable, bright, and vicious women are an undeniable force for good — and, from the bottom of my loud, frustrated, and compassionate heart,
I want you all to know that your strength is moving fucking mountains.
(I have been taught to apologize for the swear, but honestly, I straight up don’t want to, so I won’t)
So, to all the women in my life who are learning how to claim their light and take their space,
Thank you for giving me the power to do the same.
Until next week,